The holidays are here. Next week, many of you will be stressing-out about all the weight you gained. If I was your basic white girl from Instagram, I’d write a post that sympathizes with you, encouraging you to stay positive, eat healthy, and go for a jog.
Unfortunately, I am a “big-hairy-American-winning-machine” who wants you to gain weight. You probably aren’t eating enough food, or at least enough of the right foods. What does this have to do with a brain in a jar? I’ll get there in a minute.
Prior to writing this, I ate dinner. Mozart’s Marriage of Figaro played in the background while I proceeded to piss-off all the vegans in a 10 mile radius. On the menu was a 17 ounce steak, whole milk, oatmeal, and one big-ass bowl (a highly scientific measurement) of ice cream. This is not some one-off holiday binge. Dinner looks like this every night, with breakfast and lunch looking pretty similar (minus the ice cream). Most Americans are worrying about eating too many calories this week, yet my primary concern is that I’m not eating enough. What gives?
(A photo of my weekly beef-purchase from Walmart. Those tubes are five pounds each. There’s a reason vegans hate me.)
I’ve been eating like this for over a year, and the results are unimpressive. I’m still more than 30 pounds underweight, tipping the scales at a measly 228 pounds, at a height of 5’ 9″. With all this food I’m eating, I am merely maintaining my bodyweight. It’s going to be a hard year of eating for me to get up to 260.
My thoughts on ideal bodyweight do not conform to conventional wisdom. The poster-child of a “fit” and “healthy” male my age is a lean 155-165 pounds (a good 100 pounds lighter than my goal). This person does moderate-intensity exercise four or five days a week, including some “strength” training. His diet is based on whole grains, low-fat dairy, some fruits and vegetables, and a minimal amount of meat.
What a load of crap. This diet and exercise plan (recommended by the American Heart Association, the American Council on Exercise, and other authorities) merely enables a “brain in a jar” existence. People following this plan are doing just-enough exercise to not die of a heart attack, and eating just enough food to fuel their largely-sedentary job (and largely-sedentary hobbies). They are, for all intents and purposes, living life as a brain in a jar.
(Brain in a jar. Sketch by Jennifer Mathis)
Last I checked, the ideal human existence did not consist of living as a “brain in a jar.” I don’t train because I’m scared of a heart attack. I train because I want to be a savage. I am quite attached to many intellectual and artistic pursuits, but we live in a physical world. As such, our physical existence is far more crucial than merely preventing a cardiac event. If you truly want to “get after it” in life, you will need to transform your physical existence beyond this brain in a jar.
When our physical condition languishes, our intellectual existence (and, if you’re into that sort of thing, our spiritual existence) will suffer. If this idea is offensive to you, feel free to crawl back to your “brain jar” and drift through life as you always have. If you have an open mind, please continue reading.
If our existence is a physical one, we must examine the nature of the physical interactions we have with our environment. Upon doing so, one finds that every physical effort you engage in, whether it is updating your Instagram or carrying an injured friend to safety, is a function of force production. Accordingly, your ability to exert force against resistance (aka strength) is the foundation of your physical existence. If you think I’m wrong, take a listen to Mark Rippetoe (FYI, he is much stronger than the guy in the thumbnail):
If our existence is undeniably physical, and strength is the foundation of our physical existence, we should obviously train our minds and bodies for strength. This beautiful piece of logic is, unfortunately, lost on many people, including most of the fitness community. But, if you are smarter than the fitness community, (trust me, you are), please note the following truth: you cannot get strong with pushups, lunges, a small bodyweight, and skim (or, God forbid, soy) milk.
You need to lift big, and you need to eat big. This means a steady diet of beef, chicken, whole milk, and whole grains (fish is also acceptable, if you enjoy what Ron Swanson calls the “vegetables of meat”). You must also engage in a disciplined program of heavy squats, presses, and pulls. This will make a man from any boy, and a woman from any girl. After a few months, when you’re deadlifting double your bodyweight for reps, you will no-longer be a brain in a jar, but a beast. A strong, articulate, intelligent beast.
If you are worried about the weight you gained over the holidays, take a moment to examine your physical existence. Are you living life as a brain in a jar? Are you a fat brain in a jar? That’s ok. It’s pretty common for most Americans. But if you want to take your existence beyond the “brain in a jar,” you need to get bigger and stronger. Quit stressing about the cookies, and start stressing about your squat and deadlift. I promise you’ll love the result.
Thanks for reading. Now get off the toilet.
The Poop Scoop 